How I Found Value in Myself
This year was an emotional rollercoaster. I dated an old love; doing what felt like CPR for a heart that just didn't beat the same anymore. We kept it pumping for the first two months and while I was in Colombia in March, it stopped. We stopped. I was preparing myself for a heartbreak that I was numb to. I didn't feel anything at all. If anything, I cried in the shower with relief. I had finally let go.
What I've learned in life so far, is that everything is temporary. Things are temporary. People are temporary. Time is temporary. What you're feeling right now is temporary. Nothing lasts forever. I knew I needed to let the person go. I needed to let toxic relationships out of my life. Do I feel guilty? Absolutely not. Why should I? Because this is my life and I get to choose who I associate myself with.
I was speaking with someone a few weeks ago explaining my thought process on people in my life. Unless I know you personally, know who you are, what you stand for, know your heart, and how we can relate to each other, you're my friend --everyone else is someone I know; a mass amount of acquaintances. I use the word "friend" very lightly nowadays. It's a big deal to use a label like that on someone. Well, to me at least.
I've mended. I've broken. And I've gained. I found value in myself and truly, what I deserve. I think it all starts by really listening to yourself and listening to your heart. Start by asking yourself what you like, what you don't like, what you love, what you've been settling for, and what you desire. It doesn't all have to come out at once. Bring a journal, jot down your notes and whatever situation you're put into just remember to write it on. Your list will continue to grow. You will grow. You'll begin to understand yourself a little bit more.
I've been single for a little over three years now and people always ask me why I've been single for so long. It's a question I haven't really been able to answer myself. I've dated plenty of people in that time. All in between that time, though, my life has been in transition; I graduated from college, started my career, moved to two different states and I never was really interested in finding someone. Sometimes I'd be sitting in a cafe by myself wishing someone was across from me, maybe a love, maybe a friend. Now that I'm settling into my lifestyle in New York I'm more open to the idea of dating. I guess I've always been a little bit apprehensive about my self-worth (because of my past) and the idea of having my heart of my sleeve. Being vulnerable is a scary thing. The truth is, I'm really happy. I'm really happy by myself. I'm happy in solitude. I really enjoying sitting alone at a table for two. I enjoying traveling alone and having no agenda. I enjoy my time. Call it selfish but throughout all this time, I adore that I built myself up to be the person I am today. I'm ready to fall in love but I am in no absolute rush. I'm not willing to settle for the ordinary and you shouldn't either. So when someone asks me again why I've been single for so long, the answer is simple: I'm just doing me.